Matthew 5:3-10 (As Interpreted by American Conservatives)

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Unless they don’t worship or look the same as us. We don’t know where they’re going, but it’s not heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Unless the person who died was executed by the state. He got what he deserved, and they need to get over it.

Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Unless they’re here illegally. They need to go back where they came from.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Except for that ACLU and PETA and all those other bleeding heart liberal organizations. They're full, all right—full of crap.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Unless it refers to people just looking for a government hand out. Why should our tax money go to pay some teenage girl so she can feed her baby?

Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Unless they’re gay, because we all know they’re going straight to hell.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Except for Obama. He wasn’t even born here. And how dare he take our troops out of Iraq?

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
And by "righteousness", we mean "sharing the same beliefs as us".